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Archive for March, 2015

The Miracle

Today I got to hold in my arms a miracle – our beautiful little girl. I know I’m not alone in saying that trying to describe all the emotions involved is quite a challenge, but I’ll try.

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The past 18 months or so have been filled with many of the pregnancy ups and downs one might imagine: The excitement of trying to conceive, and the disappointment of discovering a condition that made it very unlikely for us to conceive naturally. The acceptance of having to do IVF in order to achieve our dream. The surprise and joy at a completely unexpected natural conception right before we were to start our round of IVF. The ever-present risk of IUGR (intra-uterine growth restriction) and the relative nuisance of a diagnosis of gestational diabetes. The presence of a marker that indicated a higher than normal risk of Down’s Syndrome and a premature labor scare at 32 weeks.

Meanwhile, my job has been challenging and stressful to say the least. Many times during this period I’ve been at the end of my rope and wished I could simply quit my job and do something else – anything else. My wife has had to deal with being laid off from her job and facing the challenge of trying to interview for future jobs while pregnant and knowing that she’d be off work no matter what for some amount of time for maternity leave. It’s been a challenging time to say the least – challenging to live in acceptance of whatever God’s plan would be for us.

All that said, that’s only a small part of why I feel like I’m holding a miracle. The real reason goes a lot further back than 18 months. See, for most of my adult life I felt like this day would never happen for me. I’ve battled depression and loneliness for more of life than I’d like to admit, and that’s caused my life to be a roller coaster of emotions and events. There have been incredible periods of success and joy, but also periods of seemingly total failure. Times I felt like I made a difference and mattered, and times when I wondered why I even existed. Countless times I asked God why? Was there a plan? And if so, did it lead to anything good? And why did it have to be this painful?

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